Why You Can't Stop

Why Does Letting Go and Stopping Feel So Impossible?

We all hit times in our lives when we just need to let go of something. We need to stop. Drop it. Let it be.

When this comes about, if we are lucky, we eventually come to understand that this is so, so important. Indeed, we may realize that anything and everything good is really on the other side of this — if we can just do this one thing: stop and let go!

Could be any one of a myriad of things we just need to let go of:

• Letting go of something or someone you love
• Letting go something that happened
• Stop consuming sugar or caffeine
• Stopping all food for a period of time in order to develop a fasting practice
• Stop the addiction to social media or screen time in general

There’s a reason why it can feel so hard to do the thing, even when you really, really want to.

The reason?

You cannot focus on the negative.

You cannot focus on not-a-thing:

• Letting go is not holding on
• Stopping social media means not looking at it
• Fasting is not-eating

Sure, technically, you can focus on these things. But energetically, not so much.

This isn’t just about semantics. This is not a conceptual point I am trying to make.

What I am sharing here is that the reason these things can feel so difficult is very much because you are pitting yourself against yourself when you focus your attention on not-something in order to not have more of that something in your life.

If you need to let go of your ex, the worst thing you can do is focus on letting go of your ex. If you want to start a fasting practice, it will go much better for you if your goal is something other than “not eating”.

Where Attention Goes, Energy Flows

You’ll hear me reference this principle often. It is very instructive!

The good news is that with this understanding, you can use it to aid you in your goals.

Fasting

Yes, you understand that you will not be eating. But what is it that you want to focus on? Where do you want to direct your attention?

Instead of “not eating”, for example, you could try:

• develop my meditation practice
• plan to spend time with or call friends and family
• do that creative project I have been wanting to do

Social Media / Device Cleanse

Instead of “no social media for me”, pick something energizing and exciting to focus on.

Instead of less screen time, consider

• how can I foster more inner peace in my life?
• rest for my eyes!
• get outside and get more natural light

What About Letting Go of a Relationship?

This one can be trickier.

My sense is that there is even more of a reason why letting go of a person feels so impossible: it’s not really a thing.

Don’t shoot the messenger here. Hear me out, because it’s not as bad as it may sound at first.

I just don’t think that we are really every completely separate from another person in our lives. At some level, once we are in relationship to another, that relationship is a part of the fabric of our energetic lives.

So I just don’t see it as beneficial to pressure yourself or try to convince yourself that you can just stop feeling their presence. We are all so connected on so many levels.

Rather, in this case, I think the greatest benefit will come from understanding that the relationship that you had must evolve and change. Letting go can mean letting go of the story of the relationship. Letting that story be part of your past rather than your present. Or even better, rewriting that story so that there is an ending that reflects the truth of what is happening.

To put this another way, the key with these situations is more about recognizing and accepting the change. Change is something you can put your attention on.

And from there, now you can look forward to other areas of your life you want to move your attention to:

• more time with yourself, friends, or family
• more time developing yourself — be specific
• pursue something creative or a new skill or achievement

The keys to making this work:

• be honest and accepting with yourself - both about your own feelings but also about the truth of the change in relationship
• be real about what you want to do next, with the reclaimed energy you are gathering from this letting go
• make your do-next item(s) real things that energize you!